Feeling Like I've Found My Calling...Again

I am a licensed, non-practicing attorney working in a corporate setting.  I knew that I wanted to go to law school from the time I was 14 years old.  That was when I discovered my high school Mock Trial team.  I was hooked.  I started out as a spectator and very quickly got more involved.  I found I had a knack for picking out important details when reading a case.  I also had a talent for thinking on my feet and tweaking my case based on what happened in the courtroom.  I didn't know how realistic this forum was, but one of the advisors was a judge and I found myself with a mentor.  Walking into a courtroom after law school, I knew I had found where I was supposed to be.  I'm not big on public speaking in general, but it came naturally in the courtroom. 

Sadly, it appears a litigation career was not in the cards for me.  My dream was to be a county Assistant Prosecutor(AP) (despite the low pay), I never wanted to be on the other side.  I also didn't really want to be in private practice doing civil litigation either.  I worked in enough law offices that did that to know it wasn't my passion.  When I went through law school, no one seemed to have any inkling that the legal job market was about to tank.  Big time.  Where I live, most people take AP jobs to get litigation experience quickly and then move on the the much better pay available in private practice.  The legal job market tanked right when I was hoping to take advantage of that turnover.  The folks who had those low paying government jobs decided they liked having secure jobs and the turnover stopped. 

This left me in a pickle.  Do I try to find another job in private practice somewhere and hope I find my spark again?  Or do I try something totally different?  I went on about 75 interviews in a year and a half and didn't find it.  I did work during that time, but it was on a contract basis.  I found a number of things I couldn't see doing for any length of time...my brain became numb. 

I fell into my corporate job sideways.  I was signed up with a legal temp agency and an unusual opportunity came my way.  It was great, I got to use my law degree every day and my analytical thinking got a workout as well.  I ended up being hired from temp to permanent and loved coming to work everyday.

Fast forward 7 years.  My job has evolved to the point where I no longer do most of the things I loved about my job when I started it.  I've found myself adrift, again trying to find my spark.  My responsibilities are fairly niche, made up of things that are important but the value tends to be missed until something goes wrong.  This also puts me at risk every time there is a reorganization in my company, which, in this economy, is pretty much annually.

This year I decided to put myself out there.  I've been shuffled around many times and felt that I had nothing to lose, so I took an idea that had been percolating for a while and threw it out on the table.  I don't have it all together when it comes to work and family life, but I have found some coping mechanisms the hard way.  I put together a program to make it easier for the moms that come after me, and my company has received it really well!  The program has taken on a life of its own and I have tons of ideas for what comes next for it. It's got the potential to grow like crazy and be a real asset for a family friendly company.  I really wish this were my full time job!  I love my company, I've found my spark, and it is helping my colleagues to help each other - we really are each others best resources. 

It's so exhilirating and kind of depressing at the same time.  Putting myself and my personal experiences out there to facilitate conversations with my colleagues has been surprisingly rewarding.  And once I get them talking, they are full of better ideas than I could ever come up with.  Everyone seems to be energized and motivated when they leave, better able to cope with whatever their situation is.  I've gotten great feedback from many participants in my sessions.  I love feeling that I was a part of that, and that I can continue to be of service to them by having more sessions and more topics...

And then I come back to my real job, so empty by comparison.  I'm not an HR professional and if there were such a job at my company, odds are that I would not even get an interview for it because I would be considered massively underqualified. 

Thanks for reading.  I feel better just having gotten this out.  I'm going to continue to develop the program, as it feeds my spark and makes my day when I can get a group together and make a difference for them. And if it doesn't help my performance rating, then so be it.  I can live with that. 

So I feel like I've found my next calling, but this time I have to figure out how to grow it and make it part of the everyday in my career!

Job Interview Frustration

I'm ready to be on vacation again.  Seriously.  I enjoy working, but there are so many things I would be able to keep on top of at home if I could find the right part time position...or if I won the lottery...of course, to win, one must play.

I'm feeling very frustrated.  I had an interview for a full time position within my current company today.  It falls within my area of expertise.  Unfortunately, there is also a candidate who is already working within the department, and she is a strong candidate for the job.  I wish there were some way that they could indicate when there is already a front runner for the job, so I could save myself the trouble.  Don't get me wrong, the interviewer was very nice...but I view it as a bad sign when she repeatedly says, "What about a job in _____?  That seems like it would be a great fit for your skill set."

I recently received an email link to a job posting that is perfect for me...three states away.  This is turning out to be the story of my career lately.  I know it is partially because my standards are high in some areas.  I am not willing to relocate.  I would really like to stay with my company.  It has to pay at least a certain amount and be within a reasonable commute from my home.  But these have always been my standards, and somehow I have always had the right opportunity come up eventually.  And some of them have come up in horrible economic times, so I am unwilling to accept that as a justification.  I have been looking for a LONG time now, and nothing is working out.  I'm out of ideas.  Help!

Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm seriously considering buying a few lottery tickets on my way home tonight.

Performance Anxiety

I am experiencing performance anxiety on a couple of fronts right now.  I am applying for jobs, and each one has a questionnaire online that is the first weed out. I have a tendency to overthink answering these questions, which are directly related to the skills required to get hired for the job.  I read the posting and think to myself, "I can do this job, no problem!" Then I get into the questionnaire and start second guessing myself, "Well, I know this, but do I technically have 'experience' in it?  I should answer no to this."  And I don't even want to think about how I psych myself out on the open ended questions.  I am generally an articulate person, but on these essay questions I lose my ability to put two words together coherently. 

I didn't have this much trouble with the bar exam, for crying out loud!!

I am also getting nervous about running my first race since before my daughter was born.  Most people probably would have started with a 5k, but for some reason I saw this 8k at my alma mater and couldn't resist.  I live about 5 minutes from campus, which added to the appeal.  I then told my sister-in-law about it, because she has recently started running as well, and she signed up too.  So there is no chickening out!  My legs have felt like lead this week - I'm tired and my allergies are raging.  It has been beautiful weather for the past week, sunny and warm.  We don't usually get this many days in the 70s this time of year, so I was happy thinking that it will be a beautiful spring morning to go for a run.  It's not meant to be.  The forecast for Sunday morning is 60 degrees and pouring rain.  I should have known that would happen, as Murphy and I are good friends.  I generally don't run outside when it's raining, as there are few things I hate more than being cold and wet. 

I especially dislike having cold wet feet, a fact that my dad teased me about for years.  When I was a teenager, I was a competitive swimmer.  I swam year round, spent most of my time wet, and would go outside with wet hair in the dead of winter (it did freeze, in case you were wondering), without a second thought.  But stepping in a puddle and having cold wet feet made me absolutely miserable. So the idea of running in the rain in any season but summer is not something that exhilirates me.   

Still, there are many upsides that I have to keep in mind.  Once I get warmed up, I think I can make the 5 miles...if I don't stop.  Once I get in my groove, I feel like I can go forever.  It's actually very much like when I was a distance swimmer.  I had two speeds - on and off.  If I can get "on", then I will be fine.  And no matter how I do, I will set a personal record (PR), because it's a distance I have never raced before.

And finally, I don't want to wish the rain away - we are on the verge of a drought here, and I would rather have some rain than end up in a drought situation.  It has been nice to have our solar panels generating so much energy and hot water (building up a credit to pay for our air conditioning this summer!), but I also plant a vegetable garden each year and I want to be able to put my seedlings outside to get rained on and start to harden off. 

I feel better now that I've given myself this little pep talk.  I am excited to apply for a new job and try something new, and to run a distance I've never tried before.  I need to keep my eye on the prize and not talk myself out of great experiences!

New Year, New Me?

I've never been one for formal New Year's Resolutions. It has always seemed to me that putting that kind of pressure on myself just sets me up for failure.  Also, I'm not that original, so my resolutions would likely be the same every year.  It's like when I am asked what I want for Christmas or my birthday - any other time, I can reel off one or two things that I want, but when the time comes, I can never remember and almost always say, "I don't know."  I'm told this is not especially helpful.  When New Year's rolls around, I am the same way.  "Uhhh, I'd like to get in shape?"

I think it's unrealistic to expect to become a new person in the new year.  I like the person I am, and it took me a long damn time to get to this point, so why would I want to change drastically?  I prefer the idea of resolving to make small tweaks that will improve my quality of life.

I've decided that I'm more of a short term goal girl.  This has been enhanced by motherhood.  I have less time and more to get done, so I need those shorter term, more specific items that I can get done and cross off my list. I love crossing items off my list.  That said, my resolutions this year are longer term, but specific enough to be attainable.

I also never have my resolutions figured out by January 1.  They need to percolate in my head and occur organically.  

I've never been one to document my resolutions, so technically this post could be considered a resolution, that I am really committing to do the things I am writing down here. 

Beyond that, here are my resolutions for 2012 (listed in no particular order):

Start running

I used to hate running.  Growing up, I loved playing soccer and swimming, and detested the running portion of the training programs for my sports.  This is probably in part due to the fact that I have horrendous allergies, which include allergies to grass and trees.  These are generally things that are unavoidable when running outdoors, and the medications available at the time didn't control my reactions as well as what I take now.  A year or so before I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided to give running another shot.  I was about 15 pounds overweight, had borderline high blood pressure and I was terribly out of shape.  Running was cheap and didn't require a lot of time.  I signed myself up for a 5k and made it my goal to be able to complete it without walking.  I still didn't like running while I prepared for that run.  It was only after I completed that race and got my official time that I really started to feel the rush that I had heard about.  Much like when I competed as a distance swimmer growing up, I found myself in competition with myself.  I had to sign up for another race to see if I could beat my own time.  I lost 15 pounds, my blood pressure plummeted and I felt great.  I found running to be a great pressure release valve as well. 

Then I got pregnant.  I continued running until my third trimester, then slowed it down to a walk.  I've been meaning to start running again, but just haven't gotten around to it. 

Until yesterday.  I started out easy, running one minute intervals with 90 second recovery periods.  My initial goal was to do eight, but I felt great, so I did sixteen instead.  I was apprehensive about how I would feel today, but I feel great!  I can't wait for my next run.  I'm going to make the time.  I need it and I deserve it.  I'm also going to push myself gradually harder, and maybe start to train for a longer race - perhaps a half marathon.  But one step at a time.  First I have to re-establish the habit. 

Find a new job/better work life balance

I picked a crummy economy and job market for this one, but there it is.  I need to get it done in 2012.  I am ready for a change in my day job.  I love the company I work for, but I need a new challenge.  I need to come to terms with the fact that I may have to start looking outside for the right fit for me.  I may have to reduce my requirements for what I'm looking for in that next opportunity.  I would love to stay with my company, keep my daughter in the daycare here and stay at the same pay level, but I may not be able to make that happen.  I feel like I have let myself get too specialized in my job, as I am frequently hearing as feedback, "You have a nice background, but it's really not what the hiring manager is looking for."  This is bad when combined with the fact that job descriptions are more specific than ever.  I'm a non-practicing attorney with lots of contracting experience and document management experience.  There doesn't seem to be a large market for that right now.   I am open to new areas and ideas, and if anyone has any, please share them with me!  I believe that I will find the position/job that is meant for me when I am supposed to, and that I have to stay positive in the meantime.  The only thing I will not compromise is my need for work life balance - my family is the most important thing in my life and my daughter will not be young forever.

The right job for me is out there.  I will find it.

Read 75 books this year

I love Goodreads.com.  I have been on it for a few years and have played with the idea of participating in their annual challenge, and this is the year I'm giving it a shot.  I love to read.  Now that I have a Kindle and know how to borrow books for it from my local public library, and am exploring the Amazon Prime lending library, there is no time like the present.  I am also hooked on listening to audio books on my iPod thanks to  Audible, so that will help as well.  I count those as books I have read because honestly, it takes much longer to listen to a book than it does to read it myself.

I chose 75 books as my goal.  I didn't base it on anything in particular.  I tend to reread books that I love, but I suspect that I am only supposed to count new books.  Hmm.  It may be totally unrealistic, but I think I can hit it without neglecting my child or letting my house fall down around my ears.

Sell/otherwise dispose of unused stuff

My house has been something of a construction site for the last five years, and we have kept things that we shouldn't have.  This is partly from not knowing what would go where upon completion and partly due to only recently having come to the revelation that not every gift we are given needs to actually enter our home. We have family members who believe in quantity over quality when they give gifts, and it is taking a toll. You know who you are. These same folks feel that they have to buy my daughter's affection by giving her crap every. single. time. she sees them.  You don't.  Trust me.  Pay attention to her and spend time with her instead.  Please and thank you.

A big thank you to those who don't fall into this category and give us gifts that are meaningful and useful at the same time.  (Thanks Mom!)  I am grateful that you know that stuff does not equal love.

Another issue was the family members who downsized into a much smaller home and dumped a lot of furniture and assorted crap into our home.  There were a few pieces that we will keep because we loved and wanted them, but they also brought us many things we thought we had politely refused.  We want to be surrounded by things we choose and love, not furniture and decorations that have been dumped on us.  This detritus is now taking up space and is slowly destroying my love for my home.

It is time for it to go.  In 2012, I will get this stuff out of my home.  Some of it is worthy of sale on eBay or Craigslist, other items will go on freecycle.org.  What is clutter and dust collectors in my eyes should be owned by someone who will enjoy them.  I love freecycle, because we definitely have stuff that in good conscience, I can't throw away.  We can't use it, but I know there are people out there who could.  Still other things will be donated or thrown away.  No matter what, if we don't love it, it is not staying in our house.

That's it.  A few things I need to do for myself and my family in 2012.  Hopefully, I will look back at this post in a couple of months and be happy with how I am dealing with these things.  Some are far easier than others, hopefully I won't feel the need to chuck any of them because they turn out to be unrealistic.

Wish me luck!!