Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I'm definitely on the wrong end of this one this week.  It's amazing how this seems to happen both at work and at home simultaneously, despite the fact that they are two very distinct worlds for me.  About a year ago, I attended a panel discussion on work/life balance for women in my company.  It was mostly women talking about how great our company is for this, how wonderful they have it, blah, blah, blah.  Unfortunately, it all hinges on who your direct supervisor is and how willing they are to be flexible and allow work/life balance to happen.  So while it was interesting, it was also very disheartening, because I am not permitted to use any of the great programs that these women love.  One of the women who spoke presented a great visual that is still in my head, and I am actually visualizing it right now. 

If I think about all the things I am responsible for, I can divide them up into balls.  Keeping certain balls up in the air is more important than others, so I picture them as being made of different materials.  For example, the only ball made of crystal is my family...it's the one that I view as most important to prevent from permanent damage and would be the hardest to repair.  Therefore, it is the one that I absolutely cannot drop.  Others are less important and so I imagine them as more resilient materials.  If I screw them up somewhat, not the end of the world. 

This week it is all I can do to keep that crystal ball up in the air. 

The past few weeks, I have been feeling great: getting my house cleaner, getting a healthy, homemade dinner on the table at a reasonable time more often than not, having fun with my husband and daughter, running more, being more productive at work.  This week I am just tired and I am NOT motivated.  I had a conversation with my boss that made it clear that he does not see the value I am bringing, and I get so frustrated by that.  I have had twelve bosses in four years, so basically by the time I get one on board and educated in what I do, they have moved on and I have to start all over again.  Not ideal.  My current boss is inflexible and has a tendency to micromanage.  Also not ideal.

When I get home, I am tired.  We have eaten pizza more times in the past week than I care to admit.  Happily, most of my routines are keeping me afloat at home, so while I haven't progressed onto the clean outs that are long overdue, at least I haven't lost ground.  I am still able to easily keep up with the laundry, and I am still making sure that the kitchen sink is empty before I go to bed.

Writing this out has actually helped me today...though I am still dragging, I am more optimistic than when I started this post.  I haven't charged forward like I had hoped to, but that crystal ball is still steadily up in the air and the house hasn't backslid into utter chaos.  I will just keep plugging along and I will get myself moving forward again.

New Year, New Me?

I've never been one for formal New Year's Resolutions. It has always seemed to me that putting that kind of pressure on myself just sets me up for failure.  Also, I'm not that original, so my resolutions would likely be the same every year.  It's like when I am asked what I want for Christmas or my birthday - any other time, I can reel off one or two things that I want, but when the time comes, I can never remember and almost always say, "I don't know."  I'm told this is not especially helpful.  When New Year's rolls around, I am the same way.  "Uhhh, I'd like to get in shape?"

I think it's unrealistic to expect to become a new person in the new year.  I like the person I am, and it took me a long damn time to get to this point, so why would I want to change drastically?  I prefer the idea of resolving to make small tweaks that will improve my quality of life.

I've decided that I'm more of a short term goal girl.  This has been enhanced by motherhood.  I have less time and more to get done, so I need those shorter term, more specific items that I can get done and cross off my list. I love crossing items off my list.  That said, my resolutions this year are longer term, but specific enough to be attainable.

I also never have my resolutions figured out by January 1.  They need to percolate in my head and occur organically.  

I've never been one to document my resolutions, so technically this post could be considered a resolution, that I am really committing to do the things I am writing down here. 

Beyond that, here are my resolutions for 2012 (listed in no particular order):

Start running

I used to hate running.  Growing up, I loved playing soccer and swimming, and detested the running portion of the training programs for my sports.  This is probably in part due to the fact that I have horrendous allergies, which include allergies to grass and trees.  These are generally things that are unavoidable when running outdoors, and the medications available at the time didn't control my reactions as well as what I take now.  A year or so before I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided to give running another shot.  I was about 15 pounds overweight, had borderline high blood pressure and I was terribly out of shape.  Running was cheap and didn't require a lot of time.  I signed myself up for a 5k and made it my goal to be able to complete it without walking.  I still didn't like running while I prepared for that run.  It was only after I completed that race and got my official time that I really started to feel the rush that I had heard about.  Much like when I competed as a distance swimmer growing up, I found myself in competition with myself.  I had to sign up for another race to see if I could beat my own time.  I lost 15 pounds, my blood pressure plummeted and I felt great.  I found running to be a great pressure release valve as well. 

Then I got pregnant.  I continued running until my third trimester, then slowed it down to a walk.  I've been meaning to start running again, but just haven't gotten around to it. 

Until yesterday.  I started out easy, running one minute intervals with 90 second recovery periods.  My initial goal was to do eight, but I felt great, so I did sixteen instead.  I was apprehensive about how I would feel today, but I feel great!  I can't wait for my next run.  I'm going to make the time.  I need it and I deserve it.  I'm also going to push myself gradually harder, and maybe start to train for a longer race - perhaps a half marathon.  But one step at a time.  First I have to re-establish the habit. 

Find a new job/better work life balance

I picked a crummy economy and job market for this one, but there it is.  I need to get it done in 2012.  I am ready for a change in my day job.  I love the company I work for, but I need a new challenge.  I need to come to terms with the fact that I may have to start looking outside for the right fit for me.  I may have to reduce my requirements for what I'm looking for in that next opportunity.  I would love to stay with my company, keep my daughter in the daycare here and stay at the same pay level, but I may not be able to make that happen.  I feel like I have let myself get too specialized in my job, as I am frequently hearing as feedback, "You have a nice background, but it's really not what the hiring manager is looking for."  This is bad when combined with the fact that job descriptions are more specific than ever.  I'm a non-practicing attorney with lots of contracting experience and document management experience.  There doesn't seem to be a large market for that right now.   I am open to new areas and ideas, and if anyone has any, please share them with me!  I believe that I will find the position/job that is meant for me when I am supposed to, and that I have to stay positive in the meantime.  The only thing I will not compromise is my need for work life balance - my family is the most important thing in my life and my daughter will not be young forever.

The right job for me is out there.  I will find it.

Read 75 books this year

I love Goodreads.com.  I have been on it for a few years and have played with the idea of participating in their annual challenge, and this is the year I'm giving it a shot.  I love to read.  Now that I have a Kindle and know how to borrow books for it from my local public library, and am exploring the Amazon Prime lending library, there is no time like the present.  I am also hooked on listening to audio books on my iPod thanks to  Audible, so that will help as well.  I count those as books I have read because honestly, it takes much longer to listen to a book than it does to read it myself.

I chose 75 books as my goal.  I didn't base it on anything in particular.  I tend to reread books that I love, but I suspect that I am only supposed to count new books.  Hmm.  It may be totally unrealistic, but I think I can hit it without neglecting my child or letting my house fall down around my ears.

Sell/otherwise dispose of unused stuff

My house has been something of a construction site for the last five years, and we have kept things that we shouldn't have.  This is partly from not knowing what would go where upon completion and partly due to only recently having come to the revelation that not every gift we are given needs to actually enter our home. We have family members who believe in quantity over quality when they give gifts, and it is taking a toll. You know who you are. These same folks feel that they have to buy my daughter's affection by giving her crap every. single. time. she sees them.  You don't.  Trust me.  Pay attention to her and spend time with her instead.  Please and thank you.

A big thank you to those who don't fall into this category and give us gifts that are meaningful and useful at the same time.  (Thanks Mom!)  I am grateful that you know that stuff does not equal love.

Another issue was the family members who downsized into a much smaller home and dumped a lot of furniture and assorted crap into our home.  There were a few pieces that we will keep because we loved and wanted them, but they also brought us many things we thought we had politely refused.  We want to be surrounded by things we choose and love, not furniture and decorations that have been dumped on us.  This detritus is now taking up space and is slowly destroying my love for my home.

It is time for it to go.  In 2012, I will get this stuff out of my home.  Some of it is worthy of sale on eBay or Craigslist, other items will go on freecycle.org.  What is clutter and dust collectors in my eyes should be owned by someone who will enjoy them.  I love freecycle, because we definitely have stuff that in good conscience, I can't throw away.  We can't use it, but I know there are people out there who could.  Still other things will be donated or thrown away.  No matter what, if we don't love it, it is not staying in our house.

That's it.  A few things I need to do for myself and my family in 2012.  Hopefully, I will look back at this post in a couple of months and be happy with how I am dealing with these things.  Some are far easier than others, hopefully I won't feel the need to chuck any of them because they turn out to be unrealistic.

Wish me luck!!

Risk Versus Reward: Is It Worth It To Change Jobs Now?

I am definitely a creature of habit. 

At the same time, I like a good challenge. 

It's a quandary, for sure.  I have been in my current job for four years and in this department for seven years.  In many ways, I am ready for a change.  But there are thoughts that are holding me back from opening the door to a new job, a new challenge. 

I want to stay with the company that I currently work for.  Which should be possible, as it is a huge company with a variety of different operations within a reasonable commute from my home.  I need to keep my benefits, especially health benefits.  I would be able to keep DD in her daycare, with her friends.  This is good for both of us, she gets to stay with her friends, I get peace of mind.  At a premium price.  But that's a topic for another time. 

There are surprisingly few job opportunities at my level for a licensed attorney outside of the formal legal department.  And the reason I'm not looking for a job in the legal department because they won't hire me.  Despite all the internal experience I have, I don't have five to ten years of experience in a big law firm, so they won't consider me for an attorney position.  I'm okay with this.  I've never had an interest in working eighty-hour-or-longer weeks.  If I were, I would have that big firm experience they want.  Work life balance was important to me even before DD was born. 

I also find it frustrating that I can't get hired in an area that I technically don't have experience in, but I do have the skills to learn the job and excel at it. I know the company, and I know the business. 

How am I supposed to gain experience in an area if no one will give me a chance to prove that I can do it?  Conversely, how do I convince someone to hire me if I don't have the exact, minute experience that they are requiring? 

Let's put those questions aside for a moment.  I'm also going to put aside the fact that in this economy, there is more competition for fewer jobs, with more qualified applicants than ever before.  Let's focus on why I am ambivalent about that next opportunity.  Every now and then, an opportunity that I would have jumped at in the past comes across my desk.  I should jump at it now, right?  I hesitate every time.  I'm psyching myself right out of the job market.  Questions immediately start running through my head.  I'm going to tackle these one at a time in hopes of putting them to rest forever.  If I can't, maybe someone can comment and tell me how I can look at it differently. 

What if I don't like the boss/the management style?

There are variations on this one, but they all really boil down to this. It's not like I haven't dealt with change in this area before.  In a two year stretch, I had eight different bosses.  Yes, eight.  In. Two. Years.  And believe it or not, it's actually gotten worse since then.  I lost count at some point, partially because of my maternity leave.  So it's in the range of twelve in three or four years.  I haven't reported into the same boss for more than five months at a time due to reorganizations and bosses moving to new positions. There have been many different management styles in that time.  I should be used to change.  Heck, I might even gain more stability.  Not sure why this is such an issue for me.

What if there is no flexibility/less flexibility than my current job?

My company offers a great many flexibility options.  However, it is the discretion of each individual manager as to whether one can take advantage of them.  In the past I have requested job sharing, reducing my hours to part-time or working from home a set day or two per week.  All of these requests for formal flexibility have been denied.  There is informal flexibility that I can take advantage of on a less regular basis.  Things like working from home on occasion, coming in later and leaving later as opposed to a strict 9-5, or going to doctor's appointments during the day.  I need to turn around my thinking on this one - my question should be: what if there is a lot more flexibility and I am missing out on a great opportunity for a job I would love that would fit well with my life outside of work?

What if I don't like the work?

I don't really have an answer for this one.  I like what I do now, and I am an expert in the subject matter, but it's not an area I can come back to if I move on.  The only answer I can come up with is that if I don't like it, I can always look for another opportunity after the commitment time has expired.  Wouldn't it be great if you could test drive a job?

What if I don't mesh with the other people on the team?

I've got nothing on this one.

Do I really want to be a people manager again?

Don't get me wrong, I loved the people on my team, and I really enjoyed helping them to grow.  The issue is really more with workload.  Being a people manager is like having a job and a half for the same pay as someone at the same level who doesn't manage people.  And there is a lot of paperwork involved, to the extent that it is overwhelming.  If I had an administrative assistant to help with this, different story.  But that's not part of the deal. 

People management also potentially means additional folks keeping tabs on comings and goings.  I work out my schedule with my manager.  I am flexible with those who work for me and my philosophy is, worry about yourself, not about your neighbor (or your manager).  If someone isn't pulling their weight, there will be consequences. Not everyone shares this same philosophy and some are just tattle tales.  Not sure I am ready to deal with this again.  It's a question of whether the positives outweigh the negatives, and I just don't know if they do. 

What if the commute turns out to be horrible?

I am so spoiled when it comes to commuting.  I live five miles from my office.  I believe there are three traffic lights.  This is not to say that I haven't paid my dues.  I spent several years with a commute that took an hour or more to go the ten miles to the office.  The same drive takes fifteen minutes when it isn't rush hour.  I hate that.  The problem is that some of the other offices my company has would involve that exact same commute.  I just don't think I can deal with it. 

Why can't I find a job share or a part time job at my current level?

This is my own personal holy grail.  I hear that it exists, even within my company.  I wonder why these arrangements aren't more common, especially the job share.  Is it just me, or doesn't it seem like a win-win situation?  It would cost the company less financially and give them two employees who are more motivated, more engaged and more productive?  Isn't this the definition of "do more with less"?

When it comes down to it, I need to push myself to change.  So I am going to just grit my teeth, close my eyes, hit submit, and say a little prayer that I find the right job for me.  Wish me luck!!

Is Work Life Balance a Myth?

Ever since the birth of my daughter almost 2 years ago, I am constantly trying to find work life balance.  Some days it's to the extent that if I had the money, I would hire a life coach, because I feel like I'm never going to figure it out.  Today I spotted this article about how companies prefer employees that have no life outside of work.  I am disappointed, but not surprised because this is my life right now.  My company has a great reputation for work life balance and being family friendly, but the day to day reality is dependent upon your direct manager.  I have had a number of different bosses over the last 5 years, and they have varied greatly in management style.  One of the few consistencies among them is that they all talk the talk when it comes to flexibility but do not walk the walk.  No one wants to set precedent.  I've sought job shares or part-time opportunities at my current employer, but what it boils down to is that if you are at the manager level or above, those opportunities don't really exist.  I've made realistic proposals based on solid business cases and have been shot down repeatedly.  The sad thing is that I loved my job and was very motivated to do it well.  The constant battles over flexibility that I've lost have created what I would think is the least desirable scenario for an employer.  I am completely frustrated and unmotivated now.  In the past I was willing to log in and complete work tasks outside of business hours.  I am never going to do that again.  When I leave work, I don't give it another thought until I return to the office in the morning.  If I am not respected and the work I produce is not valued, then there is no reason for me to go above and beyond.  The job share proposals I've done would save the company money and create better continuity of service while creating jobs in a terrible economy.  I'm failing to see the downside.  It's a win-win!

This was bound to become an issue.  The technology that we have access to was either going to create great opportunities for work life balance or it was going to become a leash that all but those without lives were going to be strangled by.  Blackberries, laptops and smart phones should create a workplace that doesn't require a physical office or cube.  I know there are a few very successful businesses that have changed their business model so that they now lease or own small offices that allow their employees a place to work or hold meetings on an as needed basis.  Unfortunately, most of the corporate world is too much of a dinosaur to be able to shift that way.  It's a shame because I think they could save a lot of money. Not to mention that it is a "green" way to do business.  Another thing corporate America seems to want to say they do without having to follow through.

I also think this is an example of a few ruining it for the rest of us.  I know more people who are in search of work life balance than have no lives outside work.  My friends who are married to the job aren't in love with their jobs though.  They want more in their personal lives.  Which tells me that neither situation is ideal...a common theme in my life is that all things in moderation, nothing to excess is more than just a maxim, it's a highly desirable way of life.  The happiest people I know are those who have truly flexible job situations without penalties behind the scenes.  I know there is something better out there for me, I just seem to be having trouble finding it on my own.  Someday I'll find it.

A Work In Progress

"Having a baby changes everything."  Yeah, no kidding.  Whoever came up with this slogan for Johnson & Johnson is a genius, as there are few statements in life more accurate.  He or she also has a talent for understatement.  My daughter is almost two and I'm still recovering!  I wish I could say that I have it all figured out, but that would be such a huge white lie.

Yep.  It's another mommy blog.  But why??  Mainly because I like to talk.  Okay, by talk, I really mean vent.  And I've been told that it's very entertaining.  So being a generous type, I figured I'd share with the class.  Who am I? Check out my profile in the sidebar, it'll give you my deets, as a teen-aged baby sitter recently phrased it.  In addition to being the proud parents of a mischievous little girl, we are the owners of a 60-something year old house that is always in need of TLC.  We are in the process of putting an addition on the house, a project we started in April 2007.  We had no kitchen for 2+ years.  Did I mention that I am a very patient person?  At least in my own mind, that is.  I'm also a glutton for punishment, because just as the end of the renovation came into view, I got pregnant.  With the birth of our daughter, we unwittingly extended the duration of this now never ending project.  See quote above.  Our focus completely shifted.  I don't anticipate it being done anytime soon.  I've made peace with it.  My husband hasn't.  Our toddler thinks the work in progress areas look like fun and tries to find ways to escape into the forbidden zone whenever possible.

I am a full time working mom.  If you are looking for one of those working moms who is super organized and has it all figured out, this is not the blog for you.  I am struggling to find that perfect work/life balance (more on that later).  I refuse to believe that it is mythical!  Babyhood goes by too fast to not enjoy every minute of it, so I definitely tend to skew more to the life side of the scale right now.  There are certainly days when I would love to be a full time stay at home mom, but financially that isn't going to happen anytime soon.  Plus, I do have a selfish bone in my body.  I love being able to go to the bathroom by myself and getting to eat lunch without having to get up sixteen times or having little fingers manhandle my food.  I like talking to adults who speak in full sentences.  Would a more flexible work arrangement, like part-time, be better?  Sure!!  But I haven't been able to find one that meets my needs.  I did find a great one in Singapore recently.  My husband doesn't think I would enjoy the commute from the East Coast.  (A side note - I know I mentioned in my profile that I have a part time job already.  It is VERY part time.  And the pay reflects that.)  I have to admit that he's probably right.  My current commute is 5 miles, 10 if it is my turn for daycare drop off or pick up.

My daughter does go to daycare, and she LOVES it.  She started at 4 1/2 months and early on developed a friendship with two other babies in her room.  I've heard all about parallel play and how that's all young children are capable of.  I'm not buying it, I've seen this trio in action.  They've been interacting for ages.  When the first learned to crawl, she would crawl over to one of the others, lay her head on her friend and they would both smile like crazy.  Fast forward to today, they are still together in toddlers:  there is the little mama of the group; the coy diva; and the laid back surfer dude.  They chase each other around, squabble over toys, and give each other hugs and kisses.  We are blessed with incredible caregivers who love my daughter like she is their own.  They are also far better equipped to tackle the mess fun learning projects that I couldn't (okay, still can't) face.  An example:  they started her finger painting at 5 months old!!  I was still struggling to get dinner on the table every other night (or so) at that point, let alone getting laundry and other chores done.  Re-reading this, it maybe sounds a little like I am trying to rationalize having my daughter in daycare.  I'm not.  I felt guilty at the beginning, no question.  But now I'm very secure in the knowledge that she is very well taken care of and loved while I am at work, and she is developing social skills that would be hard to come by as an only child in this day and age.  And did I mention that she loves it?

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