Performance Anxiety

I am experiencing performance anxiety on a couple of fronts right now.  I am applying for jobs, and each one has a questionnaire online that is the first weed out. I have a tendency to overthink answering these questions, which are directly related to the skills required to get hired for the job.  I read the posting and think to myself, "I can do this job, no problem!" Then I get into the questionnaire and start second guessing myself, "Well, I know this, but do I technically have 'experience' in it?  I should answer no to this."  And I don't even want to think about how I psych myself out on the open ended questions.  I am generally an articulate person, but on these essay questions I lose my ability to put two words together coherently. 

I didn't have this much trouble with the bar exam, for crying out loud!!

I am also getting nervous about running my first race since before my daughter was born.  Most people probably would have started with a 5k, but for some reason I saw this 8k at my alma mater and couldn't resist.  I live about 5 minutes from campus, which added to the appeal.  I then told my sister-in-law about it, because she has recently started running as well, and she signed up too.  So there is no chickening out!  My legs have felt like lead this week - I'm tired and my allergies are raging.  It has been beautiful weather for the past week, sunny and warm.  We don't usually get this many days in the 70s this time of year, so I was happy thinking that it will be a beautiful spring morning to go for a run.  It's not meant to be.  The forecast for Sunday morning is 60 degrees and pouring rain.  I should have known that would happen, as Murphy and I are good friends.  I generally don't run outside when it's raining, as there are few things I hate more than being cold and wet. 

I especially dislike having cold wet feet, a fact that my dad teased me about for years.  When I was a teenager, I was a competitive swimmer.  I swam year round, spent most of my time wet, and would go outside with wet hair in the dead of winter (it did freeze, in case you were wondering), without a second thought.  But stepping in a puddle and having cold wet feet made me absolutely miserable. So the idea of running in the rain in any season but summer is not something that exhilirates me.   

Still, there are many upsides that I have to keep in mind.  Once I get warmed up, I think I can make the 5 miles...if I don't stop.  Once I get in my groove, I feel like I can go forever.  It's actually very much like when I was a distance swimmer.  I had two speeds - on and off.  If I can get "on", then I will be fine.  And no matter how I do, I will set a personal record (PR), because it's a distance I have never raced before.

And finally, I don't want to wish the rain away - we are on the verge of a drought here, and I would rather have some rain than end up in a drought situation.  It has been nice to have our solar panels generating so much energy and hot water (building up a credit to pay for our air conditioning this summer!), but I also plant a vegetable garden each year and I want to be able to put my seedlings outside to get rained on and start to harden off. 

I feel better now that I've given myself this little pep talk.  I am excited to apply for a new job and try something new, and to run a distance I've never tried before.  I need to keep my eye on the prize and not talk myself out of great experiences!

Putting a Bow on the Week

Lots of random thoughts today, not sure why, but I feel the need to get them all out here. So here comes a stream of consciousness!

I ran six miles yesterday.  I never thought I would write those words.  But I did, because I ran six miles yesterday!  I thought I would be dying today, but I feel pretty good!  I'd feel even better if my allergies and sinuses weren't going crazy, but it is that time of year.  I'm thinking I need to try acupuncture -- I have been taking allergy meds forever, have tried shots and sub-lingual immunotherapy (SLIT), all to no avail.  I have a lot of trouble functioning in the spring and fall, and as a mom, it's not like it's an option to just hide out in bed until it passes.  I just got retested this week after a year and a half of SLIT, and not only are my existing allergies reduced, I picked up one or two new ones.  REALLY!?!  That was not what I needed to hear.  So anyway, I've heard good things about acupuncture, and if it relieves any of my symptoms at all, I will be happy.  Especially if it can make me less susceptible to sinus headaches.  They are seriously slowing me down.  And they are making it tough for me to stick to my training plan for the 10k I promised to run with my sister-in-law in NYC in June.  I have a couple of races scheduled for the end of this month too, and I'm going to be really upset if I can't run or am hampered by my allergies/sinuses!  

Have you tried acupuncture?  Did it help with whatever you were hoping for help with?  How did you find a good, reputable acupuncturist?

My niece is turning one this weekend and having a party.  (I did say this was going to be a random post, right?)  So tonight I have to go out and get her a present.  I usually try to do most gift purchasing online, usually on Amazon.com, but I decided it would be fun to take my daughter and let her help pick something out for her cousin.  She adores her little cousin, they are super cute together.  I had some ideas on what to get for her, but unfortunately I didn't write them down, so I guess we will have to wing it.  I have no memory anymore! Maybe some Little People, or Green Toys -  we love to give the Green Toys Fire Truck as a first birthday present.  We'll probably also try to find one or two clothing items as well, but for some reason, I really like to give toys to toddlers. 

What are some of your favorite things to give as first birthday gifts?

On Sunday, we are going to see the Flyers play the Penguins in game 3 of the NHL Eastern Conference Quarter Finals.  I love this time of year!  Can't wait to get all Flyer'd up and go see the game with my mom and my daughter! 

What's your fave sports team?  Do you get extra worked up to root for them during the post-season?

I'm going to be spending a lot of time driving this weekend so that we can attend all of these festivities, as both are over an hour away.  I'm tired just thinking about it.  But it will be worth it, and hey, it's easier than it was when my daughter was in diapers and eating only baby food and couldn't go more than ten minutes without nursing (that's what it felt like!).  At least now I can just throw a change of clothes in the car and go.

I'm also going to have to figure out when I am going to get my cooking for the week done, since we will be out most of the day both Saturday or Sunday.  I have collard greens I need to cook before they go bad, I think I'm going to pair them with citrus peppercorn tilapia for dinner tonight.  I will have to think about my weekend cooking this afternoon and plan something to throw in the crock pot each day and have my husband pull it out when he gets up.  It's his work week, so he's sleeping days and working nights this weekend.  I like this idea!  I'll have to come up with two good spring crock pot meals...I'm off to see what strikes my fancy and aligns with what is in my pantry!

Defeating the Laundry Monster

I have lived for years in a house that I half expected to disappear under piles of wrinkled, clean laundry.  For the past month, I have been plugging along with my little routines, but could not get out from under the laundry.  My husband would be home during the day and wash and dry five loads of laundry...but fold one or less.  It crept out of the laundry room and quickly took over the living room, master bedroom and walk in closet. We had baskets and piles of clean, wrinkled clothes everywhere!   I finally hit my breaking point!  I felt like my house was such a mess, looking back, I realize that the laundry everywhere made everything seem unkempt.  Including us, when we went to wear these rumpled articles of clothing!  So embarrassing. 

I decided to have a chat with my husband about this habit of his.  He thought he was helping, while I would have preferred he do one load from start to finish - washed, dried, folded and put away.  I decided that we would try something new, and miraculously, he agreed without argument.  One load of laundry per day, start to finish.  I am amazed, but two weeks later, the laundry was under control and we are not surrounded by clothes!  I thought it would take a lot longer.  This is not to say that I don't still have 4 closets to go through and thin out, but at least we aren't drowning in our current clothing.  I did realize two things - I need to buy more hangers, and we probably have too many clothes.  This sounds backwards, but we are still, bit by bit, moving into the new walk in closet in our bedroom, and so I am hanging more things that got shoved in drawers in the past.  I will also be working to gradually pull out and donate the clothes we don't wear and throw away the holy socks, before they ever get to live in the nice, new closet. 

It's been about two months since I started doing a load of laundry a day, and I'm actually to the point where I have the time, energy and space to wash some things that periodically need it.  Like the rubber backed bath mats. Now it is easy.  Never thought I would say that! 

I am converted.  It's so much more manageable this way!!  It is mentally easier to throw in a load now...I've given myself permission to change which step is first, so for my first load, I folded what was in the dryer.  That was step one.  Step two was wash more laundry, and third and final step for day one was running them through the dryer.  Day two, load two started with folding.  You get where I am going with this.  Since I do laundry in the evening after work, this way I am not miserably folding clothes at midnight and lugging them around trying to quietly put them away.

I felt so defeated by the laundry, having it under control makes me feel like I can accomplish so much more to reclaim my house from the addition construction and our rampaging toddler! 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I'm definitely on the wrong end of this one this week.  It's amazing how this seems to happen both at work and at home simultaneously, despite the fact that they are two very distinct worlds for me.  About a year ago, I attended a panel discussion on work/life balance for women in my company.  It was mostly women talking about how great our company is for this, how wonderful they have it, blah, blah, blah.  Unfortunately, it all hinges on who your direct supervisor is and how willing they are to be flexible and allow work/life balance to happen.  So while it was interesting, it was also very disheartening, because I am not permitted to use any of the great programs that these women love.  One of the women who spoke presented a great visual that is still in my head, and I am actually visualizing it right now. 

If I think about all the things I am responsible for, I can divide them up into balls.  Keeping certain balls up in the air is more important than others, so I picture them as being made of different materials.  For example, the only ball made of crystal is my family...it's the one that I view as most important to prevent from permanent damage and would be the hardest to repair.  Therefore, it is the one that I absolutely cannot drop.  Others are less important and so I imagine them as more resilient materials.  If I screw them up somewhat, not the end of the world. 

This week it is all I can do to keep that crystal ball up in the air. 

The past few weeks, I have been feeling great: getting my house cleaner, getting a healthy, homemade dinner on the table at a reasonable time more often than not, having fun with my husband and daughter, running more, being more productive at work.  This week I am just tired and I am NOT motivated.  I had a conversation with my boss that made it clear that he does not see the value I am bringing, and I get so frustrated by that.  I have had twelve bosses in four years, so basically by the time I get one on board and educated in what I do, they have moved on and I have to start all over again.  Not ideal.  My current boss is inflexible and has a tendency to micromanage.  Also not ideal.

When I get home, I am tired.  We have eaten pizza more times in the past week than I care to admit.  Happily, most of my routines are keeping me afloat at home, so while I haven't progressed onto the clean outs that are long overdue, at least I haven't lost ground.  I am still able to easily keep up with the laundry, and I am still making sure that the kitchen sink is empty before I go to bed.

Writing this out has actually helped me today...though I am still dragging, I am more optimistic than when I started this post.  I haven't charged forward like I had hoped to, but that crystal ball is still steadily up in the air and the house hasn't backslid into utter chaos.  I will just keep plugging along and I will get myself moving forward again.

Super Mom? Yes, Ma'am

About two years ago, my daughter A was born.  After being home for a couple of days, I had the panicked thought, "I'm never going to have time to cook a meal again! There is never enough time to do the prep work and then actually cook - she needs to eat so often, and wants to be held at the most inconvenient times!"  Then I took a deep breath and banished the thought from my mind - that was why I stocked my freezer ahead of time, right?  Yep.  So I just kept plugging along and doing the best that I could.  Lo and behold, around the time she turned two I realized that I was really starting to feel like myself again.  I no longer felt like I needed to sleep every time I got 5 minutes to sit down.  I had energy again!  Until then, I don't think I understood that I hadn't fully recovered from her coming into our lives.  Yes, my body was recovered in the sense that stitches were healed, but not from the getting less than two hours of sleep at a time and trying to keep everything from crashing down around me while providing A with everything that she needed.  The mental and emotional stress was overwhelming.  I have many balls in the air, stressful full time job, getting A to and from daycare, quality time with my husband, managing around his crazy schedule and solo parenting during his work week, getting decent meals on the table, visiting family on a regular basis who live 1-2 hours away, caring for our elderly and immune compromised dog, part-time job, house still under renovation...and on and on. 

I always told myself that I'm not super mom and that I would never try to be.  But that is exactly what I was unconsciously doing.  And something had to give.  I was sacrificing my well being to keep all those balls in the air.  I was staying up way too late to get things done, I wasn't exercising, I was frustrated at work and my house looked like a bomb hit it.  The only thing I was really getting right was loving my family and enjoying my time with A. 

I have gradually been putting little routines in place that have helped me tremendously.  Something as simple as picking out my clothes the night before and putting everything I need to take with me the next day in one spot, ready to go, saves me anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour in the morning.  (I am sooo not a morning person.) I've been doing that for a couple of years now.  Other than that, though,  I have mentally resisted the truism that daily routines really do make life easier.  Intellectually, I knew it was true, but I always had an excuse ready for why it wouldn't work for me.

The next thing I worked on was having at least a rough plan for meals for the coming week.  This is usually based around what I have in the fridge that will go bad if it isn't used promptly.  I try to cook and freeze or refrigerate at least three meals for the coming week on Sunday, and I use my crock pot frequently.  (It's so addictive!)  I found a couple of tools that really make meal planning, prep and execution so much easier - since my goal is not just to get any old thing on the table, but to make an effort to have it be healthy and taste good.  I don't remember how I got by without the Six O'Clock Scramble (requires a subscription) or Stephanie O'Dea's Year of Slow Cooking blog.  These ladies know what they are doing!

Without realizing it, my routines have turned me into a super mom!  Not in the sense that I originally thought, where mom is stressed out trying to do it all.  More in the way that if I stick to a few simple routines, I gain a cleaner house, am less stressed and we are all happier and more relaxed.  I actually had the time and energy to bake cookies with A on Monday night!  A work night!  This was previously unheard of in our house! 

I'm on a roll, so more posts on routines will be coming in the next week.  I can't believe I resisted this for so long!  Next up is laundry!